Tuesday, February 24, 2004
I tell you all this, if anyone out there can read the post below, and actually get the point I am trying to make, and/ or understand what I am feeling these days, then by all means, I welcome you to comment on it, and offer advice. However, several people close to me have failed to hit the nail on the head, and if they have understood what I was trying to say, they pretty much decided to kick me while I was down with both Harsh tone, harsh words, and/ or SMART ASS REMARKS ENDING IN YAY! SO I am done for a while. Done posting, done commenting, DEFINITELY done defending my posts, and just plain done.
yes, I am feeling a little betrayed right now, yes I may be over reacting, yes I may be being childish, but it, I get the impression, is all I know how to do these days. The events that have unfolded and transcribed in t he last 36-48 hours have seriously caused me to do some soul searching and deep looking into myself. I don't like the person I am , the person I was, or the person I have become. I am stuck, fucked, and that is really all there is to it. I don't really know where to go from here, and I certainly cant try and find my way back, b/c reverse would be stupid, redundant, and probably cost me more pain than I am worth. Please do not expect a explanation, I have explained enough, or tried, and I was persecuted for it b/c people decided to read to much in to what I was trying to say, and the point escaped them entirely.
That is all, for now.
-LCH
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yes, I am feeling a little betrayed right now, yes I may be over reacting, yes I may be being childish, but it, I get the impression, is all I know how to do these days. The events that have unfolded and transcribed in t he last 36-48 hours have seriously caused me to do some soul searching and deep looking into myself. I don't like the person I am , the person I was, or the person I have become. I am stuck, fucked, and that is really all there is to it. I don't really know where to go from here, and I certainly cant try and find my way back, b/c reverse would be stupid, redundant, and probably cost me more pain than I am worth. Please do not expect a explanation, I have explained enough, or tried, and I was persecuted for it b/c people decided to read to much in to what I was trying to say, and the point escaped them entirely.
That is all, for now.
-LCH
|
Sunday, February 22, 2004
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. There is a lot of people in my life that I have lost contact with along the way of my travels through lifes winding roads. I am missing some of those people right now. I had many friends in HS that I have sort of lost touch with.
My boy Scott DeWitt for example. Scott was there for me through thick and thin after my dad died, and the summer before. I had lived with my brother, and I hated to sleep in that dark, stuffy, HOTT, basement. Scott would sneak over in the middle of the night and we woudl go to hutch, or to Mac, or just go swim in his pool out at the farm. He and I had mor long talks under the moon that summer, about girls, who we liked, who we didnt, fears of senior year, fears about college, just the basics. Then Scott met Marry, she hated me (she hated all Scotts friends, we all had a pact, since 6th grade, "Bros before Hos" Well, Scott didnt hold up to his end of the deal. Mary ran us all off, and we havent spoken in a year. I miss Scott, I wish he was here to hang with me tonight. But Marry and him broke up last week, and he called me last night, he wants to Play on my S-ball team this summer, so things may be changing.
Then there is Deborah. She was practicly my best friend in Choir, and since choir was my life, she was my second half that made life fun. She and I were two years apart, but she was my dance partner for Junior and Senior year, and she was the best listener I have ever met ( save a few) When I graduated, Deborah used to come to hutch, or into AMpride to see me, we always loved to see each other, and when ever we did, I could always rely on our secret greeting to one-another. Deborah would "Ni" me from across any crouded room, or even across the Gym after a ball game to get my attention. (NI like from MOnty Python) We were so good togeather, we told each other EVERYTHING. When I was a sophmore at Juco, well Summer after, Deborah told me she was pregnant with a guy who was supposed to have been a reound. But she married him. Sh eis misreable, lives in wichita, and we hardly ever see each other. Jessy (her Hubby) even had the balls to UN invite me, and about ten other guys from her wedding b/c we had once meant something to his future bride ad had been more than just friends. Hes an ass hole, and b/c of him, NO DEBORAH FOR ME! I miss her like crazy, and long to see her if only for a few brief moments.
There are more that I dont have time to list, but lets just say, if you are reading this, and we were ever close, and have drifted apart, lets do what we can to get back what we had. With out friends, life (even married happy life) can get preaty boring.
Kristy was a friend, IS a friend, like none I have ever had. Kristy saw in me something no one else did, Faith. Faith in me, faith in her, faith in God. She encouraged that faith that she saw, that is what makes her unique in my friends. True, none of my friends, not on single one, has ever questioned or tried to persecute me for my faith, but Kristy, and Kristy alone, helped me to discover a new found level. I had my entire world rocked when my father passed so suddenly, I also lost most of my faith. It was the second time such actions had transpired while I was in High School. When my best friend Lindsay was killed in a car wreck, I lost all sence of myself, of who I was, and who I had wanted to be. My faith in God was gone, too many questions blocked my purpose in life from becoming clear. I found the church again, through friends, mostyl through my youth pastor Steve. I was in a good way, then dad died. I lost everything I had worked for. I threw it away, I could not stand to trust a God who could do this to me and my family. Kristy saw my struggle with my faith, she saw it when I was at my last concert of the year, broken into sobbing tears b/c I was so angry that my father could not be there. I cursed God for his trials he was presenting me with, I did not think I had the strenght to go on with out my father. I made a promise to myself that night, while dressing for the show, that this night would be my last, that I was going to sing myself home. I was not going to graduate b/c I could not bare to go through the ceremony with out my dad. However, before the final number, I walked out into the hallway, I lost it, I did not want to finish the show b/c of what I had promised to do afterward. Kristy and Deborah came out and talked me down, the calmed my fears, and Kristy prayed with me, it was the longest three minutes of my life, but for the first time since dads death only a few months prior, I decided God could hear me. I never told anyone else about my promise that night, not even Kristy, there was no need, I had begun my walk towards restoring my faith.
**** Skip ahead a few years to the fall of 2002.
Nikki and I were planning a wedding, and our son had just been born, we met a very sweet girl, through choir, by the name of Prisca. Well, I had met her in speech, and Nikki in theroy, and somehow, we had both become friends with her on our own levels. I knew with in the first few minutes of speaking with her, that she was a good christian, and some one I wanted to associate my self with. Nikki asked her a few months later to be her Maid of Honor in our wedding. Hence, a Stong Bond was formed with her, and us, as man and wife, as well as being friends with us both individually and being a shining star in our sons world. Prisca would tell us about the biblical way she leads her life, and I would respect her more as each day went on. Then, just a few months ago, and after a rocky breakup from a realationship with my best friend Bill, things between Prisca and I changed. My faith had been rocky at best for several months, I had lost guidance in church, and was beginning to feel alone in my home town, and cut off from friends and family. Then the unthinkable happened. Prisca, along with another dear friend Emily, betrayed our trust as friends and went behind our backs, making false accusations, and alomst costing Nikki and I our family. My world was shattered, Nikki's almost destroyed. We were issolated, cut off entirely from friends, and most importanty from the few "christian" friends we had left. My faith has since been in sharded peices laying on an empty frame. I have no strenght and no pillar to lean on any longer. I have never lived by total christian standards, but my faith was strong, and it was keeping me sain, and helping me to know that the trials my family are facing will all be handled in the hands of God. I believe that, I believe he will provide what I need. But now he seems to have taken more than I can get back, My friendships shattered across the board, my faith left in ruins, my family hours away, and the few people i trust with my faith and to help me through all this, gone away to persue their lives. I am alone right now, I only wish I knew for how long, and weather or not anyone bothers to realize it.
Lynn
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My boy Scott DeWitt for example. Scott was there for me through thick and thin after my dad died, and the summer before. I had lived with my brother, and I hated to sleep in that dark, stuffy, HOTT, basement. Scott would sneak over in the middle of the night and we woudl go to hutch, or to Mac, or just go swim in his pool out at the farm. He and I had mor long talks under the moon that summer, about girls, who we liked, who we didnt, fears of senior year, fears about college, just the basics. Then Scott met Marry, she hated me (she hated all Scotts friends, we all had a pact, since 6th grade, "Bros before Hos" Well, Scott didnt hold up to his end of the deal. Mary ran us all off, and we havent spoken in a year. I miss Scott, I wish he was here to hang with me tonight. But Marry and him broke up last week, and he called me last night, he wants to Play on my S-ball team this summer, so things may be changing.
Then there is Deborah. She was practicly my best friend in Choir, and since choir was my life, she was my second half that made life fun. She and I were two years apart, but she was my dance partner for Junior and Senior year, and she was the best listener I have ever met ( save a few) When I graduated, Deborah used to come to hutch, or into AMpride to see me, we always loved to see each other, and when ever we did, I could always rely on our secret greeting to one-another. Deborah would "Ni" me from across any crouded room, or even across the Gym after a ball game to get my attention. (NI like from MOnty Python) We were so good togeather, we told each other EVERYTHING. When I was a sophmore at Juco, well Summer after, Deborah told me she was pregnant with a guy who was supposed to have been a reound. But she married him. Sh eis misreable, lives in wichita, and we hardly ever see each other. Jessy (her Hubby) even had the balls to UN invite me, and about ten other guys from her wedding b/c we had once meant something to his future bride ad had been more than just friends. Hes an ass hole, and b/c of him, NO DEBORAH FOR ME! I miss her like crazy, and long to see her if only for a few brief moments.
There are more that I dont have time to list, but lets just say, if you are reading this, and we were ever close, and have drifted apart, lets do what we can to get back what we had. With out friends, life (even married happy life) can get preaty boring.
Kristy was a friend, IS a friend, like none I have ever had. Kristy saw in me something no one else did, Faith. Faith in me, faith in her, faith in God. She encouraged that faith that she saw, that is what makes her unique in my friends. True, none of my friends, not on single one, has ever questioned or tried to persecute me for my faith, but Kristy, and Kristy alone, helped me to discover a new found level. I had my entire world rocked when my father passed so suddenly, I also lost most of my faith. It was the second time such actions had transpired while I was in High School. When my best friend Lindsay was killed in a car wreck, I lost all sence of myself, of who I was, and who I had wanted to be. My faith in God was gone, too many questions blocked my purpose in life from becoming clear. I found the church again, through friends, mostyl through my youth pastor Steve. I was in a good way, then dad died. I lost everything I had worked for. I threw it away, I could not stand to trust a God who could do this to me and my family. Kristy saw my struggle with my faith, she saw it when I was at my last concert of the year, broken into sobbing tears b/c I was so angry that my father could not be there. I cursed God for his trials he was presenting me with, I did not think I had the strenght to go on with out my father. I made a promise to myself that night, while dressing for the show, that this night would be my last, that I was going to sing myself home. I was not going to graduate b/c I could not bare to go through the ceremony with out my dad. However, before the final number, I walked out into the hallway, I lost it, I did not want to finish the show b/c of what I had promised to do afterward. Kristy and Deborah came out and talked me down, the calmed my fears, and Kristy prayed with me, it was the longest three minutes of my life, but for the first time since dads death only a few months prior, I decided God could hear me. I never told anyone else about my promise that night, not even Kristy, there was no need, I had begun my walk towards restoring my faith.
**** Skip ahead a few years to the fall of 2002.
Nikki and I were planning a wedding, and our son had just been born, we met a very sweet girl, through choir, by the name of Prisca. Well, I had met her in speech, and Nikki in theroy, and somehow, we had both become friends with her on our own levels. I knew with in the first few minutes of speaking with her, that she was a good christian, and some one I wanted to associate my self with. Nikki asked her a few months later to be her Maid of Honor in our wedding. Hence, a Stong Bond was formed with her, and us, as man and wife, as well as being friends with us both individually and being a shining star in our sons world. Prisca would tell us about the biblical way she leads her life, and I would respect her more as each day went on. Then, just a few months ago, and after a rocky breakup from a realationship with my best friend Bill, things between Prisca and I changed. My faith had been rocky at best for several months, I had lost guidance in church, and was beginning to feel alone in my home town, and cut off from friends and family. Then the unthinkable happened. Prisca, along with another dear friend Emily, betrayed our trust as friends and went behind our backs, making false accusations, and alomst costing Nikki and I our family. My world was shattered, Nikki's almost destroyed. We were issolated, cut off entirely from friends, and most importanty from the few "christian" friends we had left. My faith has since been in sharded peices laying on an empty frame. I have no strenght and no pillar to lean on any longer. I have never lived by total christian standards, but my faith was strong, and it was keeping me sain, and helping me to know that the trials my family are facing will all be handled in the hands of God. I believe that, I believe he will provide what I need. But now he seems to have taken more than I can get back, My friendships shattered across the board, my faith left in ruins, my family hours away, and the few people i trust with my faith and to help me through all this, gone away to persue their lives. I am alone right now, I only wish I knew for how long, and weather or not anyone bothers to realize it.
Lynn
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